The Move

  • She destroyed me in ways I couldn’t even imagine, and I helped.

 

I moved out in May of 2017, or rather forced to move. It had been coming for a long time eight months to be exact. She had gotten into a drug court program and after trying to figure out the system to beat it. She realized with some coaching from me she couldn’t beat this one. Drug and alcohol testing 3 times a week , meetings 3-4 times a week, drug court every 2 weeks and MRT classes the off 2 weeks. Needless to say she was extremely busy, but I was proud of her for doing it, I did everything to help, she wanted to work a couple of days a week also.
I stepped up with our son, I was doing concrete construction, got him from school, did homework, made dinner, cleaned house. tried to do it all, I had it under control for the most parts, some of the reason I did so much was to free up the little time she had, hopefully to spend a little with me. I know now that I was super co-dependant, that had gotten worse with everything that happened between us and everything from my past relationships even my childhood.  I went to her and said.”Honey I know you’re busy with everything but I could really use some time for us. Not asking for all your time just a lil piece of it” She said “she would”. 1 month went by. I switched jobs after discussing it with her.” She said she was fine with it”, gave me more time to do everything around the house and with the boy. Again I asked for her to make time, A little more upset this time, again she said “she would”.
She had been making a (new friend) in the mean time who she clung to like glue, she had always had a desperate need to have a girlfriend,( I didn’t know really why until later. ) All the time praising her for everything she did, while I did more and more, I was getting  more upset, Not even a thank you much less anytime for me,  for us ,absolutely zero.  I tried my best to hold it all in , but failed. When I did say anything I was called names, jealous of everything, didn’t want her to have friends. It made things so much worse, I had no idea I was being gas lighted to the extreme, I was trapped in the Narcissistic F.O.G. she is a master at that. I didn’t like her friends, every time she tried to have one she became who they are, and our son and myself suffered , then they would break away and she come back to us. I would watch her try so hard and get used every time, it broke my heart. Oh how very wrong I was, She did become like them, but she always was the dominant one, she used them as scapegoats to make herself the victim always, I was convinced that was the other way around, I never even thought of it. She plays (the damsel in distress) like no other. I fell for it hook,line, and sinker. I never even questioned that. Never even crossed my mind. I started to stay after work and drink, I was cussed like a dog for that. I felt like I shouldn’t be but I had to have something, good, or bad. She would say she didn’t mind and she would come pick me up, then I would call her. She said “I’m on my way”. I waited , she called back to say she didn’t feel like coming and for me to stay. I did and the next day I was a piece of shit drunk who never came home. I drove home the next time that happened and I was a piece of shit for driving while I had been drinking, Everything at this point was to control me, to make me do what she needed me to do.
I just didn’t know that then. . She would push and push until she got the desired outcome to justify her actions and blame shift them to me. When constant belittling didn’t work she turned it up to physical abuse. Then adding men into the relationship. That always seemed to work, flirting in front of me, hanging out secretly with them, she had it down, she would say these horrible , things to me for weeks before she set this up, then get out in front of people acting the part of the victim. Then  I would come see her with them and snap. Little did I know she had the (Smear campaign) in full effect, Everyone would see me acting crazy while she was the poor abused victim trying so hard to get her life back. None of them liked me anyway, I always called their bullshit, so it wasn’t hard for her to make them dislike me . I remember the day , hour and place, where I seen something in her eyes, I had seen the (STARE) before, this was different, I said ” you know I blamed all your bad shit on your drug use for years, But now the drugs are gone and you’re still the same” her eyes instantly changed, like she was looking through me, That’s when It really got bad. I had seen a similar look a few days before but not as cold, when I said” If you don’t make some fucking time for me you are forcing me to leave”. That was but a flash not like this, not a look like I expected. A look of hatred of emptiness, a look of piercing disdain.  I have seen that look again over the past couple months and hope to never see it again in my life.
 One Friday night after eight months of begging for time, attention, acknowledgment of my existence, things she gave freely to everyone else , I stayed at my dad’s for the night, I was trying to figure out what to do, should I leave?. Should I keep trying?  I came home Saturday after talking with my friend who convinced me to work it out. We spent the  rest of the weekend talking things out. Back to normal thinking it was me being over sensitive again, come Tuesday I wanted to cook out and have a few drinks, that was my only escape at the time, I stayed home with our son while her and her friend went to a meeting, They came home said they wanted to drink also, we did, I was happy to be around anyone at this point. Her friends on again off again husband comes over, An alright guy, him and I had met but never really talked, I was trying to go along with what she wanted., So we drink a lot and go to the porch to smoke a cigarette and he says ” I’m sorry for being a dick I just got mad that big Al stayed here that night” I say, “he stayed here? At my house?” He says “yeah on Friday night” When I go to confront her about it she starts to cuss me out.  She had let another man stay the night in our home, with our son there, and told our boy to not tell me about it, to Lie to me. While I was out trying to figure out why we were falling about, and what the hell was happening to us.
She had a fucking party, with men I never met, her married friends lover, and let them spend the night. After all the cheating she had done, I told her when we first met that  to me that was the ultimate disrespect, To have men over when I wasn’t home. I  fucking lost control pushed her down, through a drink through the wall and was going to get  our son’s baseball bat that was behind our bedroom door and beat the shit out of everyone in the house, Nothing  mattered anymore. I went to our room and thought our boy must have moved it.( It had been behind that door for months) Then I remembered that he was home and her friends little boy was there also. I stopped myself and waited on the police to come. They didn’t call them,  I had never been so out of control in my life. I was cursed for doing that while the kids were home, they were sleeping by the way, Those kids being home saved my life and theirs that night. I moved out the next day. Paid the bills for them, left it all.  You think that was the worst?  Me to,  I had no idea how bad it would get……