The Blurry years

The next year or two were a blur. An era of on again off again, cheating, triangulation, gaslighting, projection, emotional and physical abuse, drug use, alcohol overuse. Hard to remember in a time line. I know I came back and we were staying with her family again, she always needed to get everyone back to the place were she is in control, her families property. I do remember fighting over men and exes , she was talking to them behind my back on social media and the phone, more than ” just friends” secret texts, online messages, I started to check her phone and her online accounts because of the lies and cheating, I found something every time, I was turning into the kind of man I never wanted to be, Any other time in my life I would have left, why couldn’t I leave her.? One Sunday while I was watching my stepson and putting a new screen door up at her Moms, she called from work, I still got butterflies when my phone went off, thinking it was her, ( that’s a feeling of anxiety when my phone alerts these days) so she tells me she is going to Florida with her male friend  for a week. I’m shocked, I said “you expect me to be ok with that and stay at your mom’s house youre with another man?” Dont even remember her reply. She said she was going to help her friend and bullshit then more bullshit. Then I said ” please don’t do this” she tells me he is already on his way to pick me up. So I told her that I was leaving then and hung up. I was crying like hell trying to finish the door at her Moms house. Her son asked me what was wrong, I had to tell him that I was leaving, When He said why I told him Mom is making me. He says why you didn’t do anything. So I held him for few mins, her Mom comes out and says, “Sometimes she can be a real bitch”. I had to get out of there. I COULDNT SEE HER LEAVE WITH HIM. Fat old man , she used for money and pills. I would have killed him. Little Nate was there I didn’t want him to see me do that. I packed the only few items I had left on this earth into the little truck I bought from her and left for Indiana once again. I passed her on the road stopped and talked for a min, All I can remember is being in a fog , dazed, hurt. I had no money, 20 dollars to drive 400 miles on. I ALMOST MADE IT. I ran out of gas in the middle of winter. When I called her she told me to call my ex-wife. Cold and heartless she could turn into instantly. I had to call my daughter and ex wife to come get me. I felt like the biggest disappointment to everyone. To myself. I was an empty shell of the man I was a before her. My emotions were all over the place. It felt like I was going to die when we broke up. Why did it hurt so bad? Why did I even want to go back? I asked myself all these questions all the time, as I was doing things that I never would have, but did things that went against my morals anyway. I needed to get that feeling back, she was my drug and the withdrawals I couldn’t bear. It was the all-consuming thought in my head constantly. I had been back and forth from state to state. 3 or 4 times in just a couple of years, I had legal trouble to deal with, no money, nothing but heartache and misery, embarrassment when my life long friends looked at me. No pride, no self-esteem, no place, no purpose. The only thing that fixed all that was her. So when she called , back I went. She took 2 trips to Florida with that guy, had another guy to smoke Meth with and her Ex was always around. As I write this I feel so stupid and used, I could see it all happening right in front of me but could not stop it. I was standing in fire, my gut said run, but my mind said stay. So my brain decided to defend me, and come up with a reason to stand in fire, Cognitive dissonance is what Its called I found out years later. I was becoming abusive, vindictive, hateful, everything she is , I was turning into. I started saying the most hurtful things back to her when we argued. Then I would feel even worse , didn’t think that was possible, to feel lower than low. I was a Narcissist wet dream, I started drinking more and more when I could, to numb the rollercoaster of it all. Turned into every weekend. She was using and drinking this whole time anyway, she started to hit me, for a month every weekend (we always fought after a night of drinking) she punched my in the face , I even hid on her sisters boat one evening, to escape, didn’t turn off my phone, so she found me and started on me again. My brother seen it , everyone did, she said I deserved it, because I called her a whore in front of little Nate, I punched back with words, no one seemed to mind that she was being a whore in front of her son, but me saying it was the bad thing. One night she started and I grabbed her and she came down on the back of the car and it cracked the back windshield, I said you not going to keep beating my ass, I stopped myself and couldn’t believe I had done that. She ran inside and said that I was beating her up. I went to our room to get my stuff and leave when her Mom comes In and says she said you were beating her up, my eye was bleeding. I said look at my face Judy, does it look like I was beating her. Found out later she did that to date the Florida guy. She was with him a couple of days later, first her Ex husband to shoot up drugs, sex I’m sure. Then the other guy.  She sent me a text a few days later to tell me she was dating the 50-year-old P.O.S.  She would always let me know directly or indirectly of the things she had been ,and who she had been doing, I moved into basically a shed on  my families property. No bathroom,  No kitchen, No water, No vehicle, No furniture  No Plumbing and now I am the abuser. I did my best to stay away this time ,  I blocked her,  I blocked her friends, she could always use little Nate to get me, and she did. After a month she got in contact with me and asked to meet me to talk, I  reluctantly agreed, so we go down to the lake and start to talk…….
The come back

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